Tag Archives: understanding self

Pattern

“You’re not stuck. You’re just committed to certain patterns of behavior because they have helped you in the past. Now those behaviors have become more harmful than helpful. The reason why you can’t move forward is because you keep applying an old formula to a new level in your life. Change the formula to get a different result.” Emily Moroutian

I’ve been thinking and it has been five endless seasons of the same pattern of behavior.

There’s the calm, then the care, then the intense like, then the physical presence.

Then there’s the hurt, then the disregards, then the dislikes, then the miniscule arguments, then a few moments of quick hatred-that some how seems to fade away everytime and then there’s the end until we meet again.

And the funny thing is all the beginnings feel the same.

The laughter with the eyes closed. The telling to your inner being that this time will be different because you have control. The nos are hardly said and you think that this time the path will be really different- even though there are no future expectations.

But for some reason along the way you have lost yourself. Or maybe that is a little over dramatic and I should say you have lost control.

All you yearn for is the same start of the five endless seasons-the calm, the care, the intense like and the physical presence.

And the most insane of all is that you know the same pattern will yield the same result but you just can’t find it in you to change the formula or to break free and start a whole new cycle.

A part of you do not want the change because there is something incredible and inexplicable about the patterns of the five endless seasons.

A deja vu that you don’t mind experiencing as you look forward to a rendezvous for a sixth endless season.

So I guess- UNTIL WE MEET AGAIN!

Stillness

“When it rains, it pours”- I am not sure who said these words (and I am too lazy to research).

There are days when we are hit with everything at once. Our own personal struggles, the problems of our families and friends, the sorrows of the unjust world we live in, the oppression we face as a nation, race or religious group.

And then come a day when we can’t really think about all that is happening within us and aroud us.

The stillness.

Today that is how I feel.

Stillness- a kind of peace that is scary because I subconsciously know there are a million things to worry about or to figure out. A kind of numbness that puts me in a world that is inhabited by noone but myself.

The stillness-

It reminds me of “the calm after a storm” or of the somber nights that I stay lying in bed staring at the ceiling while picking my brain about my impending future.

There’s this stillness that I can’t really wrap my head around.

But I will bask in the sound of nothingness and appreciate the moments of solitude.

Because this is my moment of stillness.

Pain

Our very first reaction to the word and idea of pain is always physical. After all, pain is something that we often feel, which allows us to have physical symptoms.

But there is that abstract pain that tears our hearts out. It is almost as though our chests are tightening and we are just awaiting the impending death that looms over our soul to devour us and take us home.

That pain is emotional.

Lately that is how I have been feeling.

I am grateful for the high days as they remind me of happiness and a much calmer life where things are mellow and vibrant.

On the contrary, there are those days when I think that my anxiety itself is so overwhelming I probably wont make it.

There are other days when I am able to express myself and say how I feel. And there are those days when I think speaking of my struggles is too much. It it as though every time I speak I am reliving my trauma.

So instead, I stay confused, depressed and alone.

But the funny thing is, “numbing the pain for a while will make it worse when you finally feel it,” J.K. Rowling.

So I try to embrace my pain thinking that at the end of my endurance there should be a happy ending.

And I guess that’s hope.

Precarious

“Trust the wait. Embrace the uncertainty. Enjoy the beauty of becoming, when nothing is certain, anything is possible” – Mandy Hale

There are so many people who had a vision and it came through. It does not necessarily mean that they did not experience any direct or indirect struggles but we see their wins and acknowledge their successes.

On the other hand, there are some of us that are stuck in a never-ending cycle of uncertainty and indecisiveness.

I am some of us.

But what I have learn is that once we are alive we will wake up and be anxious, depressed, happy, sad, nonchalant, indecisive, lethargic, productive and so on.

The point is life carries on whether or not we want it to. We have no authority to put a pause on life itself.

As such, I have employed a few strategies to help me make sense of my uncertainties:

  • Everything that happened was meant to be;
  • Anything that is meant for me, will never miss me;
  • Take a deep breath when uncertainties seem to be overwhelming;
  • Take a moment to be grateful for all the already achieved goals;
  • Change my train of thought;
  • Find new ways to solve current and pending issues;
  • Things will work out if it is meant to be;
  • With effort and dedication on my part careers, hobbies and social/intimate life will fall in place;
  • Everything in life is temporary, nothing, including my struggles and uncertainties, lasts forever;
  • Take a step back and recuperate.

Barren

“Beware the Barrenness of a busy Life”- Socrates

For some reason I keep remembering Socrates’ teachings and his many quotes. It dawned upon me that I need to refresh my memory with his work and some of his most renown philosophical thoughts.

I keep recalling Socrates’ preoccupation with the thought of how much we fill our lives with so many things that make our life seems busy and purposeful. He raises the questions of how meaningful our life really is. And to assess the meaningfulness of our lives, he suggested that we remove all the tasks, chores, work and so on from our life and once nothing is left we will be able to arrive at a conclusion.

The last few days have been a period of soul searching. I am seeing where I am at now and based on my current situations I am evaluating my life to see my likes, dislikes, make certain adjustments and trying to find the time to adhere to certain personal changes.

But working two jobs and having little to no time for myself, have proven that a busy life will keep you away from focusing on what I will term the “more important things.”

A busy life can really bear a barren life.

If I were to remove my jobs from my daily activities, I would certainly find that there are so many other important things that I do need to address on a personal level. And without having nothing to do I would probably come to the conclusion that so far I am not living a meaningful life.

Socrates also says that “not life, but a good life, is to be chiefly valued.”

It is clear that not mainly existing because we wake up and are alive is deemed valuable, purposeful or meaningful.

There are other things that we need to employ as a part of our lives to make it meaningful and valued.

It may be the act of kindness, sacrifice, love, appreciation, accomplishments and so on that we employ in adding meaning and purpose to our life.

It can be a simple act of submersion or daily bath, like Henry David Thoreau at Walden pond, that brings tranquility, aspiration and make us feel renewed and revived.

I have since pledge that I need to start finding things to be a part of my life that will help me to live and lead a purpose filled good life that is chiefly valued.

And you all should find the time to do the same.

Disappear with Me

A few years ago one of the sweetest couple I know suffered an unimaginable accidental loss. There is always something about accidents and loss that almost always remind us of three things:

  • as humans we are vulnerable
  • we should always cherish the life we live and
  • our life can be shorter than what we have in mind.

There are things that happen to some people who we may say are undeserving of the pain and suffering that was haphazardly brought upon them.

I remember talking about how beautiful the wedding looked, the food and the chef. And in the moment when I thought it was lone celebratory happiness, we received the devastating news about an accident that had occurred.

In that very moment, I pledged that I will always be happy by surrounding myself with only those who care, who had ‘good vibes only,’ and those who ensure my tranquility and peace of mind.

For a while I was doing well but as usual life happens.


There are some things about the dark that are absolutely unsure.

When we think of the dark or darkness, we think of total absence of light, evil or danger. On the other hand, darkness can also alludes to tranquility, solace, control and isolation. The truth, however, is that you cannot always tell what you will find in the dark.

There are times in my life when I can feel the darkness creeping in. My chest tightens, my heart rate elevates, my sleeping pattern is disrupted, I am extremely lethargic and I can barely make it to the bathroom to take a shower. In those very instances I am overwhelmed, depressed and I begin my days in isolation.

If I may be transparent, oftentimes I do know my triggers but there are days when things that I might have tucked away in my subconsciousness resurface and take a toll on my mental state.

It might sound weird but the truth is whenever I disappear I enjoy raveling in the dark ALONE until I am able to find ‘myself ‘again.


I have a couple friends that within 48- 72 hours of disappearing, they will immediately text to ask when I am coming back to the real world- they have learned how I am. There are others who think I am just ignoring them. Some even think that I am busy with my other sets of friends.

I almost never clarify the misconception. I, sometimes, am too overwhelmed by my own personal happenings or mishaps to explain the struggles that I am experiencing. I also always find it to be so painful reliving my darkest moments. As such,I choose silence over explanation and try to pick up where we left off.


About three years ago, some sweet lady asked me a series of questions, vetted my answers and then gave me some advice.

Everything that was said is what I already knew but had never put into perspective. I came out of that conversation with a plethora of information that helped me accept my flaws, weaknesses, strengths, vulnerabilities and myself.

All of the above mentioned tenets laid a new foundation with how I handle both my social and intimate relationships. I think my biggest flaw is embedded in my strongest feature. I am vulnerable because of my ever so willingness to help.

As a consequence, I have made it my duty to incorporate certain things in shaping the person who I am today:

  • I have learned that it is perfectly fine to not save everyone who comes my way,
  • to know that not everybody who asks of me will receive,
  • to always ensure that I reserve some of me and,
  • to not give all of me away because no one is deserving to get more from me than what I give to myself.

I know it all sounds so selfish. But if you truly know me that would probably be one of the last adjectives you would use to describe me.


Now that I have let you all in on some cup of ‘tea’- as my fellow young generation would say, I want anyone who is reading this to know that it is perfectly pleasing to love every inch of you. Do not feel guilty to change how you operate within your relationships, especially if your new actions will bring you satisfaction, peace and happiness. Protect your heart, body, mind and soul from friends, family and strangers who will ruin you and bring you running into the darkness.

Take some time away from everyone if that is what works for you because the truth is you may never know what will happen if the darkness consumes you.

Disappear with me in the dark to self- evaluate and reconstruct because it is better to seek control and understanding than to be destroyed by it.