Tag Archives: understanding relationships

Pattern

“You’re not stuck. You’re just committed to certain patterns of behavior because they have helped you in the past. Now those behaviors have become more harmful than helpful. The reason why you can’t move forward is because you keep applying an old formula to a new level in your life. Change the formula to get a different result.” Emily Moroutian

I’ve been thinking and it has been five endless seasons of the same pattern of behavior.

There’s the calm, then the care, then the intense like, then the physical presence.

Then there’s the hurt, then the disregards, then the dislikes, then the miniscule arguments, then a few moments of quick hatred-that some how seems to fade away everytime and then there’s the end until we meet again.

And the funny thing is all the beginnings feel the same.

The laughter with the eyes closed. The telling to your inner being that this time will be different because you have control. The nos are hardly said and you think that this time the path will be really different- even though there are no future expectations.

But for some reason along the way you have lost yourself. Or maybe that is a little over dramatic and I should say you have lost control.

All you yearn for is the same start of the five endless seasons-the calm, the care, the intense like and the physical presence.

And the most insane of all is that you know the same pattern will yield the same result but you just can’t find it in you to change the formula or to break free and start a whole new cycle.

A part of you do not want the change because there is something incredible and inexplicable about the patterns of the five endless seasons.

A deja vu that you don’t mind experiencing as you look forward to a rendezvous for a sixth endless season.

So I guess- UNTIL WE MEET AGAIN!

Love and Loss

There’s no greater pain than heartbreaks and vomiting- I legit think they are feelings of near death experience.

I have had great moments filled with happiness and laughter. Moments I thought would be infinite. I have had days when all I need is to see your texts, hear your voice, feel your presence and embrace your touch and then everything gets better.

There are days when I know in a world of billions of people you are the only one that is dependable and reliable. The only one that will trade it all to make my dreams come true. The only one who truly cares.

There are times when I am upset, sad, angry and lost and all I need is your ears and you give it all to me- even though they are as tiny as they can be.

And then came the horrors of human interactions. We tried, we failed, we tried again and fail.

There’s a sort of peace knowing that I have had you. To know what I want and to know what my expectations are.

There are some sadness knowing that we are not meant to be.

But I find strength in the infinite moments. Hoping that they will be once again. And I calm my anxiety, knowing that everything is fated and what is meant to be will be.

In this moment all I can say is that I have loved and lost.

Estranged

“When I was little, I picked a flower and put it in a vase. After a few days, it died. I asked my mom why, and she said, “you can’t force a flower to thrive somewhere it doesn’t belong to.” And now, I realize that people are like that too”- unknown

I spent days thinking about human connection and interaction. The way we are close and the way we are able to leave each other behind as if we have never crossed paths.

One word came to mind- estranged.

Estrangement is bittersweet. It gives me chills to know that someone I was once close to is now a stranger. However, with time estrangement seems fine.

I strongly believe that time does heal all wounds.

As I reflect on all those people who have left my life- or those whom I have left theirs, I am appalled by how today the feeling of alienation or desertion leaves me unphased.

Can you remember that friend who you thought was like a brother or sister to you? Or that man or woman who you thought you were meant to be with forever?

Exactly.

There is definitely a struggle at the end of any estrangement- whether social or intimate. There are days when you feel like the weight was not lifted. You question things and try to find reasons why your friendship or relationship ended. You even will ask yourself, should I reach out to this person for closure or to amend what was broken?

The truth is there is a season for everything.

Those who have walked only a section of your life journey with you have done their time. Sometimes it makes no sense to force a person to be a part of your life or to force yourself to be a part of someone else’s life.

The aches you feel in the now will be relieved in the then. Few days, months or even years all you will do is reflect on the good times you had with those persons and smile, you will look at the bad times and say this is why you had to part ways or even more scary you will not reflect at all because it will be as though those persons and you have never crossed paths.

So for everyone who has lost someone or who has since experience estrangement, there is hope. Things will get better with time. If you are meant to rekindle and grow it will happen. And if that was the end of your life journey together, you will figure out a way to grow without that person.

And always remember, “you can’t force a flower to thrive where it doesn’t belong.”

And you my dear can also be that flower.

Pain

Our very first reaction to the word and idea of pain is always physical. After all, pain is something that we often feel, which allows us to have physical symptoms.

But there is that abstract pain that tears our hearts out. It is almost as though our chests are tightening and we are just awaiting the impending death that looms over our soul to devour us and take us home.

That pain is emotional.

Lately that is how I have been feeling.

I am grateful for the high days as they remind me of happiness and a much calmer life where things are mellow and vibrant.

On the contrary, there are those days when I think that my anxiety itself is so overwhelming I probably wont make it.

There are other days when I am able to express myself and say how I feel. And there are those days when I think speaking of my struggles is too much. It it as though every time I speak I am reliving my trauma.

So instead, I stay confused, depressed and alone.

But the funny thing is, “numbing the pain for a while will make it worse when you finally feel it,” J.K. Rowling.

So I try to embrace my pain thinking that at the end of my endurance there should be a happy ending.

And I guess that’s hope.

Precarious

“Trust the wait. Embrace the uncertainty. Enjoy the beauty of becoming, when nothing is certain, anything is possible” – Mandy Hale

There are so many people who had a vision and it came through. It does not necessarily mean that they did not experience any direct or indirect struggles but we see their wins and acknowledge their successes.

On the other hand, there are some of us that are stuck in a never-ending cycle of uncertainty and indecisiveness.

I am some of us.

But what I have learn is that once we are alive we will wake up and be anxious, depressed, happy, sad, nonchalant, indecisive, lethargic, productive and so on.

The point is life carries on whether or not we want it to. We have no authority to put a pause on life itself.

As such, I have employed a few strategies to help me make sense of my uncertainties:

  • Everything that happened was meant to be;
  • Anything that is meant for me, will never miss me;
  • Take a deep breath when uncertainties seem to be overwhelming;
  • Take a moment to be grateful for all the already achieved goals;
  • Change my train of thought;
  • Find new ways to solve current and pending issues;
  • Things will work out if it is meant to be;
  • With effort and dedication on my part careers, hobbies and social/intimate life will fall in place;
  • Everything in life is temporary, nothing, including my struggles and uncertainties, lasts forever;
  • Take a step back and recuperate.

Disentangled

On so many forefronts of my life, I find myself being disengaged, detached and disentangled.

The truth is the unaddressed traumas of life will always linger and subconsciously work to change the ways you view people, the way you operate and may very much influence the next stage(s) of your life.

Sometimes I am so sad, another time I am nonchalant and other times I just want to be left alone by everyone and everything.

How have I recognized that I have changed?

  • For a while I have no interest to talk on the phone or even in person with friends, acquaintances or even strangers.
  • I have outgrown certain themes and topics that usually excite or interest me.
  • I communicate very minimally with others- I hardly keep in touch.
  • I make priorities in regards to what I do or can do for others.
  • I am an avid practiitoner of “once bitten, twice shy.”
  • Lastly, I have learned to say no and put myself first at all times.

I do acknowledge that not all my newly acquired behaviors are healthy or helpful. But recognizing my evolvement is one step towards consciously knowing and accepting that I have grown in some form of way.

There is so much trauma that is still left unravelled and unaddressed. And my anxiety sets in when the world seems as though it is about to cave in.

I, however, know that at some point I have to stop to address all these hurt, pain, disappointments, injustice and heartbreak.

But I will leave all of those for another day.

Triggers

Off the top of my head, triggers can be anything ranging from a person(s), behavior or objects that causes a reaction that affects our mental being.

One of the important tenets of understanding our mental fragility is to recognize our triggers. If we know our triggers, or even know a few of our triggers, we may be able to know what to avoid. Knowing our triggers is also crucial in helping us know why we are in a distressful state. Most importantly, triggers will help us to know what mechanisms we need to employ in order to start feeling better.

So what happens when I am triggered?

As someone who is ever so helpful, I am oftentimes overwhelmed when too many people are looking to me for help. The pressure of thinking everyone is relying on me elicits emotions of distress and anxiety.

To be honest not all the time I am able to know that I am triggered or what exactly causes me to be in a certain mental state.

However, at times I feel myself wanting to be in isolation, my sleeping pattern is disrupted, and I prefer to lie in bed all day without interacting with anyone.

The increase of such patterns always let me know that something is resting on my mental psyche. And the best part is, I do let myself wallow in my depression and anxiety.

Sometimes we all need a break and personal space.

People and life can be overwhelming.

But as I grow and learn more about myself, I realize that I have adopted certain actions or refrain from certain actions and relationships that will cause me to feel depressed.


Certainly, life is unpredictable and uncontrollable so I am not always able to take control of the circumstances that I experience.


But here are a few things that I have done to help me when I am triggered or to prevent me from being triggered:

  • I refrain from being in constant contact with people who always seem to need from me.
  • I refrain from having relationships that are parasitic.
  • I refrain from being amongst people who always have negative things to say and who want to convince me that the worse things are good for me.
  • I do not associate myself with those who will whisper all the bad and negative things others have said about me.
  • When I am triggered, I try to change my chain of thoughts (not to happy thoughts) but to understand what I am going through and see what I can do to start feeling better.
  • I also take the time to feel the pain, hurt, sadness and anger before trying to work on feeling positive emotions.

Despite what we are facing and going through, I know some days are better than some.

And the truth is we all have days of feeling low.

Sometimes we prefer not to feel our pain, hurt and are scared to embrace our diminished mental state, but we should all remember that we are all human. And while we can aspire and work towards perfection, no one is perfect and nobody’s life is perfect.

So do not beat yourself up too much when you are going through a low time. Always remember there is hope and while our current distress may seems like forever evrything in this life is temporary.

Racism- The Uncomfortable Conversation

There are certain topics and experiences that we hold dear to our hearts. As a consequence, we get so uncomfortable when we need to sit and have a fluent conversation with others.

Some wise person did say the truth causes offense. And this is merely because the hard truth can make us feel so uncomfortable.

With everything that has been happening in the world, it has brought up racist led conversations- discussions about white vs black, how blacks think whites think and how blacks think of whites.

The reality is racial conversations are sensitive and oftentimes personal. We will take a side based on our interaction with blacks and whites and also the way we are treated as black people.

This is definitely one of those topics where there is a plethora of views that may differ from your friends’, your family’s, and strangers’.


A few days ago I was having a conversation about race with a friend and the way each of us think clearly did not coincide.

We spoke not of the social injustices or the protests but of how we think white people are. She was on the premise that white people all deep down have a shade- they do not really view us as equals. On the other hand, I was saying that I refused to think that because I just cannot bring myself to imagine that white people all deep down think that blacks are unequal or inferior to them.

We, however, both agreed that we have really close friends that are white.

And in that very moment I said that is the sole reason I cannot think all whites have a “shade” in regards to their views of black people. I even went as far as saying I refuse to think in that light because if that were true I would be deeply heartbroken.


I will reiterate that this is really an uncomfortable topic.

Even in writing this piece, I am somewhat concern about how my opinion will be interpreted or if it may seem offensive to someone. Racism is just one of those themes that may spark a backlash (check out Twitter, the Coons and people being cancelled) when you least expect it.


But to get back on track, firstly, I decided to address the awkwardness associated with racist led conversations because I want to know the views of others. With that said please feel free to leave a comment so I can know what your thoughts are.

Secondly, I address this issue because I want to let others know of an important message about not letting what you been through harden your heart.

Thirdly, I take such a stance because I do not want anyone to garner a generalized idea about me based entirely on the facts that I am black, I am a woman, I am an immigrant or I am Jamaican.


One of my personality traits is that I am always willing to give others the benefit of the doubt. In my world, anyone with whom I interact is innocent until proven guilty.

Whether you are black or white, immigrant or citizen through birth, I believe that I should have negative connotations of you only if you have hurt, discrimate or harm me and others.

In other words, I refuse to just hate someone or think they are “shady” only because of their color, heritage, customs and beliefs.

But again that is my take on life, racism and people on a whole.

I cannot bring myself to think that all whites are the same for the same reasons I do not want anyone to think of me being the same as all women, all black women, all blacks, all Caribbean immigrants and so on.

Furthermore, if I think someone has a shade or has treated me badly, I cannot bring myself to be in a position where I will smile and nod as if evrything is fine and dandy (one hypocritical American custom that I hate).

If you are mad at me state it. If you refuse to state it suck it up and let us carry on.

But do not be mad, say horrible things, treat me unjustly and then smile to my face as if we are good.

Because the moment I have established your position in regards to me I cannot engage in a relationship with you or I cannot let my often complimented beautiful smile greets you.

My facial expression will be enough to let you know I want nothing to do with you.

And I know this may sound like a rant, but it should be interpreted as a plea.

Despite of all the horrific injustices, blatant racism and the prevalence of ethnocentrism and nationalism, we should honor people (regardless of color and background) for being people.

Do not be quick to judge someone or gather stereotypical opinions solely because of physical appearance or their heritage.

Also, we have to make the hard decision of not letting the horrendous experiences we have encountered in life change us for the worse.

We have to find strength in knowing that despite all the unpleasantries, we will go through and grow through them and emerge as better versions of ourselves.

Forgiveness

In one of our weekly zoom meetings, I was reminded that forgiveness is really for one’s self and not for the other person.

This statement has resonated with me.

At first glance, the phrase seems to echo the opposite as we always stress how much those who have wronged us need to be forgiven. However, upon further elaboration it was highlighted that forgiveness lifts a burden that persons would normally bear when they hold on to the hurt and pain others have caused them.

As I sit and write, I feel at peace because I am truly align to only those who bring happiness, tranquility and good will to my life. I have mastered the heart of accepting forgiveness as a part of my personal traits through practicing self-expression, acceptance and knowing that from time to time there will be people who will disappoint me.

At times, I have given so much to those (not my family-sadly) around me that I am always so hung up on the pain, hurt and disappointments. I have helped not with the intention of being given the same treatment but like any other human sometimes I am deeply affected by the unreliability of those who I have helped- especially when it comes to my turn.

A few years ago, I encountered a disappointment from someone who I believed I am always there for no matter how inconvenient their needs were to me. And in that very moment, I was filled with anger and bitterness because I felt as if when I really needed that person to be there they blatantly refused to.

And in a lengthy conversation, in which I deliberated about the unfairness of the world and the selfish nature of people, with my younger sibling, I came to the conclusion that I should not be fuming but instead I should feel disappointed- it is a better form of human self-expression.

But how do you handle disappointments?

The most profound human action to disappointments is that when we are left in the cold we should begin to treat others callously. We develop mistrust in others and grow to see the bad in everyone.

However, after my long conversation I decided that I did not want to be like that because when I am in that mode, I am filled with so much anger and rage. I felt hurt and all that pain was channeled into a heavy burden that made me feel sorrowful and cold towards the world.

This is the exact feeling I have (and you will have) when I have not forgiven people.

In essence, forgiveness is really for you and not for those who have caused you pain.

At some point we have to accept that it is easier to take people for who they are, understand that from time to time those who we hold dearest to us may disappoint us and finally forgive and move on.

No one wants to be enraged 24/7 or to be walking around with a heavy burden because he/she is filled with hatred and bitterness from the pain someone else has caused.

Going forward, let this be the day that you mend the fences that are possible and you get closure to those that are irreparable. I will never say forgive and forget as the human mind does not work like that- unless you have Dementia or Alzheimer’s.

So take the time to wallow in your pain, disappointments and injustice and then when you have had enough forgive so that you can rise like the Phoenix.

Confinement

Is this what I really need?

To be confined in the arms of my lover?

To be confined with one person to eternity?

For you to be trapped in my head?

For me to be trapped inside my head?

For all I think about is you?

Why should I spend all my time with you?

What about my friends?

What about your friends?

With over 7 billion people on Earth, why do we get to declare that our forever should be with only us?

What should I ever do if I meet someone else that I actually like?

What about that person who I feel connected to?

Why can’t I get over you?

The truth is, I feel confined to you and on some days I wish you feel confined to me too…