Category Archives: Uncategorized

Pattern

“You’re not stuck. You’re just committed to certain patterns of behavior because they have helped you in the past. Now those behaviors have become more harmful than helpful. The reason why you can’t move forward is because you keep applying an old formula to a new level in your life. Change the formula to get a different result.” Emily Moroutian

I’ve been thinking and it has been five endless seasons of the same pattern of behavior.

There’s the calm, then the care, then the intense like, then the physical presence.

Then there’s the hurt, then the disregards, then the dislikes, then the miniscule arguments, then a few moments of quick hatred-that some how seems to fade away everytime and then there’s the end until we meet again.

And the funny thing is all the beginnings feel the same.

The laughter with the eyes closed. The telling to your inner being that this time will be different because you have control. The nos are hardly said and you think that this time the path will be really different- even though there are no future expectations.

But for some reason along the way you have lost yourself. Or maybe that is a little over dramatic and I should say you have lost control.

All you yearn for is the same start of the five endless seasons-the calm, the care, the intense like and the physical presence.

And the most insane of all is that you know the same pattern will yield the same result but you just can’t find it in you to change the formula or to break free and start a whole new cycle.

A part of you do not want the change because there is something incredible and inexplicable about the patterns of the five endless seasons.

A deja vu that you don’t mind experiencing as you look forward to a rendezvous for a sixth endless season.

So I guess- UNTIL WE MEET AGAIN!

Love and Loss

There’s no greater pain than heartbreaks and vomiting- I legit think they are feelings of near death experience.

I have had great moments filled with happiness and laughter. Moments I thought would be infinite. I have had days when all I need is to see your texts, hear your voice, feel your presence and embrace your touch and then everything gets better.

There are days when I know in a world of billions of people you are the only one that is dependable and reliable. The only one that will trade it all to make my dreams come true. The only one who truly cares.

There are times when I am upset, sad, angry and lost and all I need is your ears and you give it all to me- even though they are as tiny as they can be.

And then came the horrors of human interactions. We tried, we failed, we tried again and fail.

There’s a sort of peace knowing that I have had you. To know what I want and to know what my expectations are.

There are some sadness knowing that we are not meant to be.

But I find strength in the infinite moments. Hoping that they will be once again. And I calm my anxiety, knowing that everything is fated and what is meant to be will be.

In this moment all I can say is that I have loved and lost.

Stillness

“When it rains, it pours”- I am not sure who said these words (and I am too lazy to research).

There are days when we are hit with everything at once. Our own personal struggles, the problems of our families and friends, the sorrows of the unjust world we live in, the oppression we face as a nation, race or religious group.

And then come a day when we can’t really think about all that is happening within us and aroud us.

The stillness.

Today that is how I feel.

Stillness- a kind of peace that is scary because I subconsciously know there are a million things to worry about or to figure out. A kind of numbness that puts me in a world that is inhabited by noone but myself.

The stillness-

It reminds me of “the calm after a storm” or of the somber nights that I stay lying in bed staring at the ceiling while picking my brain about my impending future.

There’s this stillness that I can’t really wrap my head around.

But I will bask in the sound of nothingness and appreciate the moments of solitude.

Because this is my moment of stillness.

Estranged

“When I was little, I picked a flower and put it in a vase. After a few days, it died. I asked my mom why, and she said, “you can’t force a flower to thrive somewhere it doesn’t belong to.” And now, I realize that people are like that too”- unknown

I spent days thinking about human connection and interaction. The way we are close and the way we are able to leave each other behind as if we have never crossed paths.

One word came to mind- estranged.

Estrangement is bittersweet. It gives me chills to know that someone I was once close to is now a stranger. However, with time estrangement seems fine.

I strongly believe that time does heal all wounds.

As I reflect on all those people who have left my life- or those whom I have left theirs, I am appalled by how today the feeling of alienation or desertion leaves me unphased.

Can you remember that friend who you thought was like a brother or sister to you? Or that man or woman who you thought you were meant to be with forever?

Exactly.

There is definitely a struggle at the end of any estrangement- whether social or intimate. There are days when you feel like the weight was not lifted. You question things and try to find reasons why your friendship or relationship ended. You even will ask yourself, should I reach out to this person for closure or to amend what was broken?

The truth is there is a season for everything.

Those who have walked only a section of your life journey with you have done their time. Sometimes it makes no sense to force a person to be a part of your life or to force yourself to be a part of someone else’s life.

The aches you feel in the now will be relieved in the then. Few days, months or even years all you will do is reflect on the good times you had with those persons and smile, you will look at the bad times and say this is why you had to part ways or even more scary you will not reflect at all because it will be as though those persons and you have never crossed paths.

So for everyone who has lost someone or who has since experience estrangement, there is hope. Things will get better with time. If you are meant to rekindle and grow it will happen. And if that was the end of your life journey together, you will figure out a way to grow without that person.

And always remember, “you can’t force a flower to thrive where it doesn’t belong.”

And you my dear can also be that flower.

Pain

Our very first reaction to the word and idea of pain is always physical. After all, pain is something that we often feel, which allows us to have physical symptoms.

But there is that abstract pain that tears our hearts out. It is almost as though our chests are tightening and we are just awaiting the impending death that looms over our soul to devour us and take us home.

That pain is emotional.

Lately that is how I have been feeling.

I am grateful for the high days as they remind me of happiness and a much calmer life where things are mellow and vibrant.

On the contrary, there are those days when I think that my anxiety itself is so overwhelming I probably wont make it.

There are other days when I am able to express myself and say how I feel. And there are those days when I think speaking of my struggles is too much. It it as though every time I speak I am reliving my trauma.

So instead, I stay confused, depressed and alone.

But the funny thing is, “numbing the pain for a while will make it worse when you finally feel it,” J.K. Rowling.

So I try to embrace my pain thinking that at the end of my endurance there should be a happy ending.

And I guess that’s hope.

Precarious

“Trust the wait. Embrace the uncertainty. Enjoy the beauty of becoming, when nothing is certain, anything is possible” – Mandy Hale

There are so many people who had a vision and it came through. It does not necessarily mean that they did not experience any direct or indirect struggles but we see their wins and acknowledge their successes.

On the other hand, there are some of us that are stuck in a never-ending cycle of uncertainty and indecisiveness.

I am some of us.

But what I have learn is that once we are alive we will wake up and be anxious, depressed, happy, sad, nonchalant, indecisive, lethargic, productive and so on.

The point is life carries on whether or not we want it to. We have no authority to put a pause on life itself.

As such, I have employed a few strategies to help me make sense of my uncertainties:

  • Everything that happened was meant to be;
  • Anything that is meant for me, will never miss me;
  • Take a deep breath when uncertainties seem to be overwhelming;
  • Take a moment to be grateful for all the already achieved goals;
  • Change my train of thought;
  • Find new ways to solve current and pending issues;
  • Things will work out if it is meant to be;
  • With effort and dedication on my part careers, hobbies and social/intimate life will fall in place;
  • Everything in life is temporary, nothing, including my struggles and uncertainties, lasts forever;
  • Take a step back and recuperate.

Barren

“Beware the Barrenness of a busy Life”- Socrates

For some reason I keep remembering Socrates’ teachings and his many quotes. It dawned upon me that I need to refresh my memory with his work and some of his most renown philosophical thoughts.

I keep recalling Socrates’ preoccupation with the thought of how much we fill our lives with so many things that make our life seems busy and purposeful. He raises the questions of how meaningful our life really is. And to assess the meaningfulness of our lives, he suggested that we remove all the tasks, chores, work and so on from our life and once nothing is left we will be able to arrive at a conclusion.

The last few days have been a period of soul searching. I am seeing where I am at now and based on my current situations I am evaluating my life to see my likes, dislikes, make certain adjustments and trying to find the time to adhere to certain personal changes.

But working two jobs and having little to no time for myself, have proven that a busy life will keep you away from focusing on what I will term the “more important things.”

A busy life can really bear a barren life.

If I were to remove my jobs from my daily activities, I would certainly find that there are so many other important things that I do need to address on a personal level. And without having nothing to do I would probably come to the conclusion that so far I am not living a meaningful life.

Socrates also says that “not life, but a good life, is to be chiefly valued.”

It is clear that not mainly existing because we wake up and are alive is deemed valuable, purposeful or meaningful.

There are other things that we need to employ as a part of our lives to make it meaningful and valued.

It may be the act of kindness, sacrifice, love, appreciation, accomplishments and so on that we employ in adding meaning and purpose to our life.

It can be a simple act of submersion or daily bath, like Henry David Thoreau at Walden pond, that brings tranquility, aspiration and make us feel renewed and revived.

I have since pledge that I need to start finding things to be a part of my life that will help me to live and lead a purpose filled good life that is chiefly valued.

And you all should find the time to do the same.

Sacrifice

There is so much we do to make things better for ourselves, our loved ones and even strangers.

These little things are our sacrifices.

The need to restrict ourselves from certain material and abstract gain is more often a challenge than a happy stroll in the park.

Sacrifices do not happen effortlessly but oftentimes require strategic planning and discipline. While the former can easily be written down in stages for us to follow to achieve our goal, the latter requires strict self restriction- that most of us do find difficult to maintain.

The thing about understanding sacrifices that I find amusing is that it works similar to situations that require empathy.

Most times the people we make sacrifices on behalf of are not empathetic because they are on the receiving end of the relationship. They do not take the time to put themselves in our position to be fully appreciative of the things the giver/ doer does.

Only a few would ever understand or try to take the time to understand, how you had to be their for them, do a task for them or give them something at your inconvenience.

I recently encountered a situation where I felt like my sacrifices are/were not appreciated. But after deciphering the situation and the words that were said, I came to understand that not everyone will truly and fully understand the things givers have to do and endure in order to make a favor come through for them, to get that dream gift they desire, to pay that tuition or to be there emotionally- because the truth is sometimes people’s problems can be draining to the listening ear.

And I do know that most of us like to say that one should do/give without any expectation.

But who really does want to know that the things they do, give or the sacrifices they had to make is not appreciated?

So to the ones who have the luxury of just calling whether to an Earthly or Heavenly entity and their callings are answered, please remember to not only say thanks in the moment but try to be grateful to the extent by which you can easily understand the sacrifices that were made so you could get what you wanted.

Take the time to let others who help you know that their help is really appreciated.

And more importantly, learn to be empathetic towards those who have to make sacrifices on your behalf.

Unsupportive Female Force

A few weeks ago I was in a lovely and powerful zoom discussion with the members of the Prayer Ladies Supper Club in which we spoke of why women are not supportive of each other.

The discussion yielded a lot of personal experiences detailing women’s interaction with other women in the work place, in service industries and even women with whom they are friends.

Some of the findings revealed:

  • that women are not welcoming to each other
  • women will show support to friends but not to those they do not know
  • there is a competitive nature amongst women
  • some women do not want to share their tricks and trade
  • some women do not believe there is enough to share in regards to wealth and power so they cling on to their power in order to stay ahead
  • first time interaction with women sometimes always include negative attitude and reluctance to help.

All these findings were meted with a nod from all if not most of us in the meeting as we could relate or had encountered similar experiences.

However, I wanted to see if there has been any research on why women are not always supportive of each other. Because although we shared our experiences, I could not quite find a specific underlying reason for our selfishness as women.

I really wanted to know why we are so reluctant to share information with our friends and acquaintances. Why is it so hard to tell a friend some data that may improve their health, wealth, physical appearance, businesses and so on.

Upon doing some research, I found an article written by Dr.Shawn Andrews that gave some very important points. In his article, he, like my concerns about the selfishness of women, highlighted that there was not one main answer when topics involving gender interactions were being discussed or researched.

He, however, noted that there was a “power dead-even rule” amongst women- one of the reasons that would explain why women are not always supportive of each other.

The “power dead-even rule” stipulates that interaction with women on a power structure basis must be equal at all times to that of the other women. The disruption of the power heirarchy, which happens when one woman may have been promoted or has increased her wealth, leads to exclusion, gossips and denigration.

Another important point that Dr. Andrews spoke of was the appropriation of the masculine emotional intelligence by those women who were in charge- the powerful and wealthy women. He described this situation as “The Queen Bee Syndrome,” where powerful women adapted emotional traits that are more associated with males in an attempt to assert their dominance over those women they are in charge of. In other words, women bosses and powerful women are oftentimes aloof in an attempt to stay dominant in a man’s domain.

All these points are pivotal in helping us understand the power structuce, selfishness and unwillingness to share that prevail amongst women. But I can never understand fully why people choose to be extremely selfish.

Despite the positions we hold, try to keep and the level of power and wealth we try to maintain, it will cost nothing to help a friend by sharing and be kind.

Disentangled

On so many forefronts of my life, I find myself being disengaged, detached and disentangled.

The truth is the unaddressed traumas of life will always linger and subconsciously work to change the ways you view people, the way you operate and may very much influence the next stage(s) of your life.

Sometimes I am so sad, another time I am nonchalant and other times I just want to be left alone by everyone and everything.

How have I recognized that I have changed?

  • For a while I have no interest to talk on the phone or even in person with friends, acquaintances or even strangers.
  • I have outgrown certain themes and topics that usually excite or interest me.
  • I communicate very minimally with others- I hardly keep in touch.
  • I make priorities in regards to what I do or can do for others.
  • I am an avid practiitoner of “once bitten, twice shy.”
  • Lastly, I have learned to say no and put myself first at all times.

I do acknowledge that not all my newly acquired behaviors are healthy or helpful. But recognizing my evolvement is one step towards consciously knowing and accepting that I have grown in some form of way.

There is so much trauma that is still left unravelled and unaddressed. And my anxiety sets in when the world seems as though it is about to cave in.

I, however, know that at some point I have to stop to address all these hurt, pain, disappointments, injustice and heartbreak.

But I will leave all of those for another day.