Letting go🍃

sakshi shinde

“One of the most courageous decisions you’ll ever make is to finally let go of what is hurting your heart and soul.” – Brigitte Nicole.

image source: Pinterest

Letting go🍁 is one of the most important and difficult decision in our life. It is freedom from pain, guilt, regret. Staying in pain affects your mind and health so badly so why hang on it?
People come in our life for a reason we make memories with them we love them but some of them leave us in our most difficult time. We had started the habit of depending on them for emotional purpose. Letting it go is so difficult but we have to move on. Just be happy😄 that you tried level best efforts to stop them . They came in our life for a reason 🌟to teach us a important lesson we have to just ask ourselves what is…

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Off the top of my head, triggers can be anything ranging from a person(s), behavior or objects that causes a reaction that affects our mental being.

One of the important tenets of understanding our mental fragility is to recognize our triggers. If we know our triggers, or even know a few of our triggers, we may be able to know what to avoid. Knowing our triggers is also crucial in helping us know why we are in a distressful state. Most importantly, triggers will help us to know what mechanisms we need to employ in order to start feeling better.

So what happens when I am triggered?

As someone who is ever so helpful, I am oftentimes overwhelmed when too many people are looking to me for help. The pressure of thinking everyone is relying on me elicits emotions of distress and anxiety.

To be honest not all the time I am able to know that I am triggered or what exactly causes me to be in a certain mental state.

However, at times I feel myself wanting to be in isolation, my sleeping pattern is disrupted, and I prefer to lie in bed all day without interacting with anyone.

The increase of such patterns always let me know that something is resting on my mental psyche. And the best part is, I do let myself wallow in my depression and anxiety.

Sometimes we all need a break and personal space.

People and life can be overwhelming.

But as I grow and learn more about myself, I realize that I have adopted certain actions or refrain from certain actions and relationships that will cause me to feel depressed.

Certainly, life is unpredictable and uncontrollable so I am not always able to take control of the circumstances that I experience.

But here are a few things that I have done to help me when I am triggered or to prevent me from being triggered:

  • I refrain from being in constant contact with people who always seem to need from me.
  • I refrain from having relationships that are parasitic.
  • I refrain from being amongst people who always have negative things to say and who want to convince me that the worse things are good for me.
  • I do not associate myself with those who will whisper all the bad and negative things others have said about me.
  • When I am triggered, I try to change my chain of thoughts (not to happy thoughts) but to understand what I am going through and see what I can do to start feeling better.
  • I also take the time to feel the pain, hurt, sadness and anger before trying to work on feeling positive emotions.

Despite what we are facing and going through, I know some days are better than some.

And the truth is we all have days of feeling low.

Sometimes we prefer not to feel our pain, hurt and are scared to embrace our diminished mental state, but we should all remember that we are all human. And while we can aspire and work towards perfection, no one is perfect and nobody’s life is perfect.

So do not beat yourself up too much when you are going through a low time. Always remember there is hope and while our current distress may seems like forever evrything in this life is temporary.

Racism- The Uncomfortable Conversation

There are certain topics and experiences that we hold dear to our hearts. As a consequence, we get so uncomfortable when we need to sit and have a fluent conversation with others.

Some wise person did say the truth causes offense. And this is merely because the hard truth can make us feel so uncomfortable.

With everything that has been happening in the world, it has brought up racist led conversations- discussions about white vs black, how blacks think whites think and how blacks think of whites.

The reality is racial conversations are sensitive and oftentimes personal. We will take a side based on our interaction with blacks and whites and also the way we are treated as black people.

This is definitely one of those topics where there is a plethora of views that may differ from your friends’, your family’s, and strangers’.

A few days ago I was having a conversation about race with a friend and the way each of us think clearly did not coincide.

We spoke not of the social injustices or the protests but of how we think white people are. She was on the premise that white people all deep down have a shade- they do not really view us as equals. On the other hand, I was saying that I refused to think that because I just cannot bring myself to imagine that white people all deep down think that blacks are unequal or inferior to them.

We, however, both agreed that we have really close friends that are white.

And in that very moment I said that is the sole reason I cannot think all whites have a “shade” in regards to their views of black people. I even went as far as saying I refuse to think in that light because if that were true I would be deeply heartbroken.

I will reiterate that this is really an uncomfortable topic.

Even in writing this piece, I am somewhat concern about how my opinion will be interpreted or if it may seem offensive to someone. Racism is just one of those themes that may spark a backlash (check out Twitter, the Coons and people being cancelled) when you least expect it.

But to get back on track, firstly, I decided to address the awkwardness associated with racist led conversations because I want to know the views of others. With that said please feel free to leave a comment so I can know what your thoughts are.

Secondly, I address this issue because I want to let others know of an important message about not letting what you been through harden your heart.

Thirdly, I take such a stance because I do not want anyone to garner a generalized idea about me based entirely on the facts that I am black, I am a woman, I am an immigrant or I am Jamaican.

One of my personality traits is that I am always willing to give others the benefit of the doubt. In my world, anyone with whom I interact is innocent until proven guilty.

Whether you are black or white, immigrant or citizen through birth, I believe that I should have negative connotations of you only if you have hurt, discrimate or harm me and others.

In other words, I refuse to just hate someone or think they are “shady” only because of their color, heritage, customs and beliefs.

But again that is my take on life, racism and people on a whole.

I cannot bring myself to think that all whites are the same for the same reasons I do not want anyone to think of me being the same as all women, all black women, all blacks, all Caribbean immigrants and so on.

Furthermore, if I think someone has a shade or has treated me badly, I cannot bring myself to be in a position where I will smile and nod as if evrything is fine and dandy (one hypocritical American custom that I hate).

If you are mad at me state it. If you refuse to state it suck it up and let us carry on.

But do not be mad, say horrible things, treat me unjustly and then smile to my face as if we are good.

Because the moment I have established your position in regards to me I cannot engage in a relationship with you or I cannot let my often complimented beautiful smile greets you.

My facial expression will be enough to let you know I want nothing to do with you.

And I know this may sound like a rant, but it should be interpreted as a plea.

Despite of all the horrific injustices, blatant racism and the prevalence of ethnocentrism and nationalism, we should honor people (regardless of color and background) for being people.

Do not be quick to judge someone or gather stereotypical opinions solely because of physical appearance or their heritage.

Also, we have to make the hard decision of not letting the horrendous experiences we have encountered in life change us for the worse.

We have to find strength in knowing that despite all the unpleasantries, we will go through and grow through them and emerge as better versions of ourselves.


In one of our weekly zoom meetings, I was reminded that forgiveness is really for one’s self and not for the other person.

This statement has resonated with me.

At first glance, the phrase seems to echo the opposite as we always stress how much those who have wronged us need to be forgiven. However, upon further elaboration it was highlighted that forgiveness lifts a burden that persons would normally bear when they hold on to the hurt and pain others have caused them.

As I sit and write, I feel at peace because I am truly align to only those who bring happiness, tranquility and good will to my life. I have mastered the heart of accepting forgiveness as a part of my personal traits through practicing self-expression, acceptance and knowing that from time to time there will be people who will disappoint me.

At times, I have given so much to those (not my family-sadly) around me that I am always so hung up on the pain, hurt and disappointments. I have helped not with the intention of being given the same treatment but like any other human sometimes I am deeply affected by the unreliability of those who I have helped- especially when it comes to my turn.

A few years ago, I encountered a disappointment from someone who I believed I am always there for no matter how inconvenient their needs were to me. And in that very moment, I was filled with anger and bitterness because I felt as if when I really needed that person to be there they blatantly refused to.

And in a lengthy conversation, in which I deliberated about the unfairness of the world and the selfish nature of people, with my younger sibling, I came to the conclusion that I should not be fuming but instead I should feel disappointed- it is a better form of human self-expression.

But how do you handle disappointments?

The most profound human action to disappointments is that when we are left in the cold we should begin to treat others callously. We develop mistrust in others and grow to see the bad in everyone.

However, after my long conversation I decided that I did not want to be like that because when I am in that mode, I am filled with so much anger and rage. I felt hurt and all that pain was channeled into a heavy burden that made me feel sorrowful and cold towards the world.

This is the exact feeling I have (and you will have) when I have not forgiven people.

In essence, forgiveness is really for you and not for those who have caused you pain.

At some point we have to accept that it is easier to take people for who they are, understand that from time to time those who we hold dearest to us may disappoint us and finally forgive and move on.

No one wants to be enraged 24/7 or to be walking around with a heavy burden because he/she is filled with hatred and bitterness from the pain someone else has caused.

Going forward, let this be the day that you mend the fences that are possible and you get closure to those that are irreparable. I will never say forgive and forget as the human mind does not work like that- unless you have Dementia or Alzheimer’s.

So take the time to wallow in your pain, disappointments and injustice and then when you have had enough forgive so that you can rise like the Phoenix.

Black People Causes Havoc in the Streets

About a week ago, I published a post entitled Our Poor Black Men in which I speak of the unjust and cruel way some of our black men are treated by whites and society. All the things I spoke of were mere facts and events that have occurred in our great nation.

A few days later, George Floyd was murdered in the streets of Minnesota as three police men kneeled on him and one stood by doing nothing. I woke up to #GeorgeFloyd trending on Twitter and the moment I hit that play button to watch the video my body shivered.

Minnesota is burning to the ground in response to the killing of George Floyd, who repeatedly stated that he was unable to breathe but was not rendered aid by any of the four officers who were suppose to serve and protect. There has been nationwide protests over the barbaric act committed by those four police men and we have also organized a July7 boycott.

The truth is black people and our black men have always encountered injustice. Everyday we live in this society as black people, and have not witness and experience these brutal acts we are able to coexist and have a peace of mind.

However the moment we start to think we are safe and we no longer have issues such as prejudice, racism and unfairness parading on the frontline, videos showing the death of black men like George Floyd, Ahmaud Arbery, Eric Garner, Michael Brown and so many others surface and we are once again placed in a dilemma.

In response to these atrocities, black people march, we come up with hashtags such as blacklivesmatter and sayhername, we organize boycotts, we engage in nationwide protests, we kneel to show that we are taking a stand against inequality, police brutality and racism and we loot and cause havoc in the streets.

Our response to these vicious, vile and inhumane acts done to our black men, and even to our black women- Breonna Taylor, is a mixture of peace and war.

As a consequence of George Floyd’s death, we are once again on the streets, in our homes and on social media riled up with anger, sadness and disappointment.

Personally, I am at a complete loss. My heart is heavy. I am angry. And my spirit is once again broken.

I can know longer bear to see everything that is happening in this very moment:

  • I cannot bear to see blacks in the streets burning buildings, attacking people and looting because I know that we have turned to that because we are overwhelmed, frustrated and angry about all the wrongs that have been done and are being done to us without getting the justice we deserve,

  • I cannot bear to see those who come up with responses, such as alllivesmatter and bluelivesmatter, to our hashtags of sayhername or blacklivesmatter because they are making it into something that defeats the fact that we are trying to bring notice to the racism and injustice that continue to linger in the veins of this very nation,

  • I cannot bear to see that as a nation people’s hate and treatment of us, black people, is motivated by race and their belief in us being inferior to them,

  • I cannot bear to see those (regardless of color) saying that when we hit the streets with fires, looting and war we will not bring back those black men and women who we have lost to police brutality and white supremacists because the fact is even when we protest peacefully they still have something to say, and as Leonardo Jacobs point out to Charlie Kirk:

This tweet and response show that even our nation responds with acts of violence against those who have persecuted us. More importantly, it exposes the hypocritical system of our nation as it relates to violence being acceptable only on certain terms.

With everything that is happening, my heart truly aches. I am dumbfounded and angry about the way some whites treat us because in this day and age they still carry around the superior/inferior complex and still think of us as property and things and not as human beings.

It is about time we get rid of the remnants of slavery that continue to form the underlying principles for which our fellow citizens and agents of society treat us as black men and black women.

I wish that by walking peacefully to protest and even in rage to loot and destruct we would by now be able to enact, see and live in real change.

It is definitely been a long time coming.

We deserve to be treated equally as any other race. We are humans and we deserve the same respect that other races receive.

The journey to change, equality and the relinquishment of racism seems to be forever ongoing but we will continue to riot (peacefully or otherwise) in the streets until we have received the respect and equality we deserve.

Alien in the Streets

Migration can be traced as far back to historical events such as conquests and colonization, and slavery and indentureship. Today many people continue to immigrate to other countries in a quest for better life, better education, better medical care and even so that they can escape persecutions from their own country.

We pack our bags and leave to start a journey on our own or to reunite with our families. Some people did not even get the chance to leave peacefully.

Regardless of the reasons for leaving, we find ourselves in new realms where we learn new customs and try to adjust.

When I first came to America as an exchange student, I was in awe of how beautiful and accessible everything is. I was, however, amused that people treated persons in a prejudicial way because you looked and sounded different from them.

That was my first cultural shock!

Years later when I migrated permanently, I found out through observation that depending on the state in which you live and the area within the state, you may be further exposed to different prejudicial treatments.

For example, in a diversed area as New York City, you tend to feel accepted and you are hardly ever treated in an unjust way. People are definitely rude but it seem to be more by nature and not because of the color of your skin or your accent. On the contrary, as you move farther away from the city you find that there are strains of prejudice and even racism. You may live in a nice neighborhood tucked away from the crowd and bustling city life, but then you find that not everyone is welcoming or let you feel accepted because, I assume, you have just invaded their neighborhood.

I then came to conclude that the habitation of Caribbean people, Asians, Indians and so on, in close proximity in certain neighborhoods, occur because immigrants get to feel at home and experience a sense of belonging.

The fact is when you live in neighborhoods with people who are similar to you in color, beliefs and social and geographical backgrounds there tend to be more comfort and sense of community.

As immigrants we have been physically alienated from our own country.

We face scrutiny from those who have claimed true stakes on our new home by the nature of their birth.

At times I try to tell myself that in a work setting nothing said and done to me is personal. But 7 out of 10 times it is completely hard to ignore the way I am treated because I look and sound different from those who were born here.

Despite the atrocities that are meted out to us, we take our new country as our home. We work hard to feel accepted, to utilize all the opportunities that are available and to rise above the prejudicial ways that we encounter.

We make sacrifices so that we can have a better life for ourselves and our children and so that we can achieve things that may have not been attainable in the country of our birth.

But even when we do what the Romans do, there sometimes seem to be a level of unacceptance that leave us being aliens in these streets.

Everything is gone to Dust

Love is intense, beautiful, intriguing, passionate, companionship, happiness. I could go on but it would be never-ending because we all know that love is infinite.

Because of all these wonderful things sometimes love makes it hard to move on. It makes it hard for us to break up so we hold on.

There is so much uncertainty in life and when it comes to our relationships, some of us are even more unaware of what may happen. So instead we detach ourselves emotionally, sexually and mentally before actually departing physically.

We are scared of the hurt and pain that we may have to endure after a loving chapter has ended. We are scared because we are uncertain what will follow. We are afraid to live in regret so we choose the known over the unknown.

The reality is break ups can be hard.

Breaking up takes a toll because when we are in love our feelings are intensified.

That is why when we crash we burn!

We all know that love does entail some form of suffering but I am sure we all know when we have suffered enough.

Should we save ourselves from the immense grief and sorrow that follows a break up by continuing to wobble in unhappiness and uncertainty?

I think we at least owe it to ourselves to walk away when things have turned into dust;

And when it is quite clear that consistent happiness is no long possible.

It is so crazy that although we know we can start over, we are terrified of what will follow when a chapter in our life is ended…

However it may seem, I’m not obligated

Kindness and assistance can be rare commodities because the world is never always amiable to us. Hence, it is of utmost importance to let others know that we are grateful and express gratitude whenever someone offer us assistance in any form.

The thing, however, is that sometimes dependency on others, can give rise to relations based on obligation.

I know for some people, obligation and help do not have any correlation. On the contrary, there are situations in which people allow those who they have helped to feel as though they are forever indebted to them- this is the type of obligation I speak of.

Being raised in the Caribbean, obligation is sometimes evident within some parental relations.

It is the norm for mothers and fathers to take care of their children. However, when you have reached a certain age and start to earn income there may be certain indicators, which suggest that it is the children’s turn to start taking care of their parents.

The obligated riddled parental relationship is usually expressed through reverse psychology, guilt trips and blatantly telling the child/ children how many sacrifices were made so that they could be in the position they are today.

There is also another form of obligation that comes with being helped in our social relationships.

Yes! Our friends may very well be there for us in our times of need. But not every friend will let your thank you be enough. You may get a reminder in the form of jokes, in private whispers behind your back or even blatantly to your face.

However, there is a deeper issue that comes with the whole notion of obligation and help.

The person who feels obligated is oftentimes overwhelmed, stressed, anxious and even depressed. There is a heavy burden as one person is trapped in the idea that he/she always has to say yes or be there because he/she was given help.

As such, the onus is upon the obligated person to channel his/her captive emotions to freedom. There has to be a point in which you, as the obligated person, realize that you are grateful (hopefully) for whatever was offered to you or for whatever was done on your behalf.

This will be your first step towards breaking the ties of your parasitic relationships.

You have to know that it is acceptable to say no or not to show up if it is literally not possible. Do not inconvenient yourself solely because you feel as though you have no choice.

There is always a choice.

And the best part is, the moment you detach yourself from the feelings of obligation begotten through help, you will have your peace of mind. The burden you once feel will be irrevocably removed from your life.

I also know that sometimes when you make the decision to stop feeling and acting obligated it may start an inner fight. But always remember that:

“Detachment, sometimes it’s necessary in order to restore your sanity. [And] Your peace of mind.” – Anonymous

The Void

When I look at you I completely know what we have.

But there is just this feeling inside that I can’t seem to find- it’s there but it is also very hollow.

Maybe they are attached to the things I wish for:

  • your support in every little adventure
  • your understanding
  • your selflessness
  • your interests in all things trivial.

There is just this emptiness inside me that is riddled with doubts, confusion, detachment and little to no expectations.

Some people say communication is the key but what is the point to communicate if things will be the same?

In good times the feeling is different, the void disappears and happiness takes over.

But like everything in this god-forsaken world, that feeling is also temporary.

I can feel the happiness ascending and then the void takes over.

Not gonna lie it keeps me up at nights, it makes me surly in the day time and overall I walk around with a head filled with uncertainty.

I can’t stop thinking about this void inside.

I cannot really pinpoint why I put myself through this.

Why do we always try to hold on to things that have done their time?

Given my current situation, I really cannot provide this answer.

But hopefully there will be a silver lining.

Our Poor Black Men

The world has come a far way.

From caves to palaces, slavery to freedom, segregation to unity. I would say equality but Iiving in a capitalist society does not afford such luxury.

There are so much remnants of the past that continue to linger in our present state, casting doubts in our institutions, in the way we see each other and the way we treat each other.

Our black men have continue to live the tale of freedom intertwined with negation, distress, violence and even death.

It is never so easy to understand someone, their experiences and life challenges. Despite this difficulty, we can draw on a series of events that are responsible for the lives our black men have lived and the things they have endured-Slavery and Environment.

Slavery has gifted us with racism, segregation and inequality. Although the latter two are no longer the foundational principles on which our society, and even the world, operates, there is an ever present trait of segregation and inequality bottled up in our stereotypical dispositions of certain races.

Environment, on the other hand, is pretty straight forward.

There is a saying that children are a product of their environment. And since children grow to become adults, adults are also a product of their environment. Give and take that roughly about 10% of us escape being replicas of our environment, the rest of us are living breathing testimonies of where we grew up and how we were raised.

Let me include some statistics to help bring across the point I am trying to make.

“About 62.9% of black children whose families were in the bottom fourth of all families by income remained in the bottom fourth as adults and only 3.6% of black children from the bottom fourth made it to the top fourth of the income scale, an upward mobility rate about one-fourth the rate for whites” (The State of Working America).

It is then clear that a large percentage of the black population is predisposed to continue living in poverty. And we all know that with poverty comes certain attributes: lack of education, poor/no health care, emotional and physical abuse, distress, gangs, violence, and high crime rate, to name a few.

The lives some of our black men have lived as children are responsible for the paths some of them have chosen and even unintendedly tumbled upon.

This statement is purely factual and not an excuse for certain illegitimate acts that have been committed by our black men.

Society, however, has long dictated the countless odds that are suppose to be stacked against our black men.

Stereotypes have become the new order of the day for our social institutions and some citizens of our society. We no longer open our hearts and minds to the possibility that some black men are good and are capable of being model citizens.

Instead we take a look from miles away or we hunt them down like dogs in the streets, solely based on some ill-conceived notions we have in our minds of who our black men are and what they will do.

Black men such as The Central Park 5, Trayvon Martin, Walter Scott, Tamir Rice, Eric Garner, Freddie Gray, Michael Brown, and Ahmaud Arbery to name a few are living, and mostly dead, examples of how brutal, discriminatory and unjust society is to our black men.

Mothers with black sons worry about their future and the ability to safely protect them in a society that is riddled with judgements and act mostly on stereotypical expectations. It is heart-wrenching to know that as your black sons grow there is an escalating imminent vulnerability that grows with them. A vulnerability that is based on the color of their skin.

We attach racism to slavery. And the end of slavery and later segregation, should also initiate the end of racism. But the things we witness, hear and live in our present day paradigm echo that our social institutions, and society at large, are still guilty of racial profiling.

But before I go, I want you guys to think about who make up our social institutions and society.

If we should strip our schools, religions, communities, judicial systems and so on of their names, we would be left with only the living souls that comprise these institutions.

The point is we should not cast doubts and blames on society and social institutions as if they are entities separate and apart from us- without us they would have been hollow embodiments.

Therefore the issue is us.

It is not the police force that harms our black men but it is the police officers who make judgement calls based on stereotypes and their racist nature. It is not society that harms a poor black man jogging in his neighborhood but it is individuals who are filled with hate, ill-conceived ideas and feel threatened because the jogger committed the crime of being black.

I can never understand how someone can be hateful solely on the premise of someone sounding different and looking different than them.

The fact is evil comes in every color, gender and sex. So do not spend your time singling out persons based on physique. Let us take up the mantle of giving the benefit of the doubt, of trying to know someone based on who he/she is and not based on stereotype and most importantly we should stop making judgement calls that are based on race.

Instead we should open our hearts and see the beauty in others.